A Butterfly's Web
by Shigal
Summary: In war one can go mad from either pain or love. The story is a flow of thoughts of a desperate young woman, who is suffering from both. AU. HG/SS. POV Hermione.


I shall keep my eyes shut. After all, there is nothing around here that is worth seeing. I know darn well where I am: grey sharp stones of mucus covered walls all around, rusty hooks of different sizes screwed into them to my left, piles of old, dirty rugs somewhere in the corner, mud, moss, and slippery mold right under me. How many times have I looked at all this in the past days? I remember this cell better then the house I grew up in, it is now forever carved into my memory. I don't know what is coming next, but I don't wish to know either.

I hear cries from somewhere in the dungeons. Desperate, mad, heart-thrilling cries from afar, but then, I feel like they may be my own. Are they? I do not know anything anymore. Water is dripping somewhere, creating a painfully stable, rhythmic sound. It calms me to my mad sleep. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Drip.

Disgusting.

The air is damp, and I can barely breathe. No, that's not right. It's a broken rib, it hurts terribly inside me. I am scared to move even an inch - Madam Pomfrey described in all colors how a broken rib spikes a lung, and agonizing death comes slowly, painfully. Like the worst of tortures. The old nurse's words tasted like medicine: "_pleura damage... disperses of tracheobronchial tree registered in 90% of all cases... tracheotomy puncture... insert the tube downwards..._"

No. No!

I don't want to drown in my own blood in the next hours! Malfoy, is this what you call a good plan?!

In this charade of a silence I have nothing left but my thoughts. How did I end up here? I, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter's best friend, Head Girl of the House of Gryffindor, outstanding student, the brightest witch of my age... How did I end up here, on the dirty floor of a dungeon cell in Malfoy Manor?

Because I wished so. Because I agreed to this. I must be completely bonkers.

I shall keep my eyes shut, but bright colorful flashes nevertheless circle under my eyelids. Am I losing too much blood? Am I losing my mind? Merlin, this agony...

My left arm is completely numb from lying on the side. But I won't move. My fear immobilizes me, and for a second I question whether it isn't a pre-death seizure. Do I wish to die? How faint-hearted of me, now, that I've gone this far. I don't want to die... just yet. Not while the sense of my life is still breathing; and I can't care less about after.

I know I should sleep. Sleep is savior, a nurturing neversense, a lightness of being. But my dreams are haunting me now - the nightmares of the last week. Sleep for me is an unattainable luxury, and I can just lay here praying for a short oblivion until the moment I'll be taken to the Dark Hall. I lay here, waiting for it. Malfoy promised, and I trust him. I have no one else to trust now.

These bloody flashes before my eyes, moving too fast, they are making my head go round. I used to dream before going to sleep, and my dreams were bright, colorful, beautiful. Then they disappeared. Now I know - they aren't coming back. Ever.

I shall keep my eyes shut. But I shall dream, maybe, for the last time in my life. Whether I will live or die, these thoughts, these dreams, they are mine, only mine. They belong to me. As I think about it, I feel shivers running down my spine. It is so strange to feel something as simple as shivers now.

My heart is pounding, rushing blood through a body barely alive. It's about time we have this conversation, Heart. Whose fault is it I'm here? I could have stayed with Harry and Ron, you know. But no, I had to dive deep. Now it's too late. I know Harry can save the whole magical world. I know he _will_. But he cannot save me, I won't let him.

I shall keep my eyes shut. Here, under my eyelids, swollen from tears and pain, my own world spins its course. Here, in this personal darkness I am safe. Here I can think anything I want, anything I choose. Here I can be honest. I can be anything. Only one companion, with me, close.

It's only in my head, but I know you hear me.

_You_ are real.

"_Merlin, help me_," I whispered in the hardest, most painful moments; for some reason my stubborn mind whispers in Harry's voice. Death Eaters came and went, ripping my body apart, cursing, destroying, rushing. I thought they couldn't _really _hurt me, as my biggest pain was being away from you. But today Lucius Malfoy himself was torturing me. I don't know why anyone fears Bella. She leaves scars, like a bloodthirsty creature, but she becomes exhausted fast. Malfoy, however, wasn't making me _feel _the pain. No, he made me _know_, this pain and darkness would never end…

Somewhere between the seventh and the tenth _Crucio_ I realized, that Merlin is of no help to me. Neither is Harry. And not Dumbledore, especially not Dumbledore.

Death Eaters came to watch today, no more than a dozen. Probably His fresh followers. I saw the darkness in their eyes, their empty irises mesmerized as they followed the movements of Malfoy's wand. When I couldn't scream anymore, losing my consciousness after every spell, they began to cheer for Lucius to fuck me. I feared little at that moment, as I fell numb from the curses. But Lucius refused, to my greatest surprise, and also prohibited anyone else from touching "the mudblood". I heard the truth from the fog inside my mind: Malfoy knew I wasn't his to take. You were right, he has some honor left in him.

We had a deal, and he was sticking to it. I'll be his trophy, brought obediently to his Master, but in exchange I will get to free you. My life in exchange for yours. It is that simple.

I'm drowning in a swirl of agonizing misery. If I open my eyes now, you'll disappear. My eyelashes are wet from tears and blood, but under them... you are always with me, Severus.

Every day I think of the moment when it all started. A mere second, maybe even less, but how much did it bring us? Every time I think about that fateful detention with you, I shiver from head to toe. It is a very powerful memory. Not Lucius, not Voldemort, no one, not even a hundred dementors would be able to take it away from me.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was standing on my knees, scrubbing the cauldrons in the corner of our classroom. You were sitting behind the table, grading first-year essays. Alternative uses of aconite in potion making, two feet. I kept sneaking to look up, I couldn't take my sight off you. You were completely absorbed into your work, and it seemed that the quill, dipped in red ink, was almost flying over the parchments. You weren't using a spell; as I always thought, you were grading all homework by hand. Sometimes you would press the tip of the quill against you thin lips for a split second; and after the third gesture like that I made a bet with myself, whether you will bite it at some point. I have a habit of that, you know, to play bets with my mind.

It was very quiet in the dungeons. I continued to scrub the cauldrons, and you were still refraining from biting the bloody tip. Frustrated from losing to myself, I mentally took of to the Gryffindor common room, where the whole house was celebrating our quidditch victory over your little serpents. I wasn't the one for partying, but I wasn't happy about scrubbing cauldrons in substitute.

Back then I was certain you hated me. Not like you hated Harry, no. You hated me, because I thought myself equal to you. I was that perky insufferable know-it-all, and I was pushing all limits to prove to you I'm worthy of something. Surprisingly now, I never really thought through what I should be worthy of in your eyes. But I was so stubborn in my pursuit of that illusory achievement of your approval! Because I believed in it, and it was a comfortable belief to sustain... None of it matters today. The only thing that does is whether I'll sell my life for yours. You know, I'll sell it without a blink. The question is whether He'll take it.

I followed you throughout that whole evening with my sight. Back then I was curious, how many black robes with forty-three black leather buttons do you hide in your closet. Only then did I notice, that your sleeves were long enough to cover most of your palms, almost up to fingers. Fascinating, how these sleeves fit your secretive nature. Immediately I became curious about your arms: were they pale, thin or muscled? Lastly, whether you actually have the Dark Mark. Neville used to joke:_ "Snape has the Dark Mark on one hand, and crossed lemon drops on the other." _It seemed funny back then.

I still remember that evening so clearly. I remember my surprise, when you rose up sharply, and, without looking a second at me, almost fled the cabinet. I stayed, even after finishing with the cauldrons. I did not leave, I waited for you. Not because you didn't give the permission to leave, but because then I was already terrified for you. I felt it with my bare skin - you left so abruptly, because He called you. You went to Him, and I stayed, seeking all possible reasons for explanation: to help you, to treat you if you were injured, to learn something for Harry... You didn't return for two hours and more, and all that time I drove myself into such terror for your life, that my cheekbones went numb from the pain of pressing my jaw together.

I am not afraid today, Severus. He needs you, He won't touch you.

I am calm, Severus.

I move my numb shoulder a little, and sharp blades of pain spin through my chest. _Fuck you_, Malfoy! I know I had it coming with you, but this wasn't the deal!

I scream. _Scream_, I scream!

So much pain…

I shouldn't think, don't think, Hermione, just stop.

Light breeze touched my bare ankles. It is probably my sick imagination; there is no air free in the dungeons. It's cold, and I am shivering again. My calves touch, and I feel my skin sticky from either sweat or blood. It seems only yesterday was I throwing up from this thought, long painful spasms crunching my stomach. But today I'm calm.

…You returned not long after the clocks struck midnight. I was sitting behind my usual desk, afraid to move even a little. I remember you asking me why I was still there, and I couldn't speak a word. All because your face, your hands, your robes - everything was covered in blood, and I suddenly realized I did not know the man who was standing before me. I was alone not with my professor, but with a Death Eater. Your glare was so furious, I feared you would murder me on the spot, right there, within the safety of Hogwarts castle, and then hide my body somewhere in the waves of the North Sea. I squeezed my wand inside my pocket, ready to strike.

I though your sight bordered on insane. You came very close to me, hissing angrily.

_"Get out of here!"_

Severus, I can still hear your voice. It's low, velvety, mesmerizing, and very powerful - even now I can feel its charm on me.

I couldn't move, and you groaned:_ "Granger, out!", _waving your hand toward the door.

It felt like fire on my cheek. You didn't mean to wave your hand so sharply, so close to me, but tears were already pouring down my face. That was the moment. You were looking down on me, hanging over, so terrifyingly powerful, and I was silently crying, holding my cold palm against my reddened cheek and looking you straight in the eyes. I put all the bravery I had in that glare.

Remember, Severus, you told me, it was your personal catharsis? What've you seen in my eyes that second - I still have no idea. But you swore to me, you fell in love with that glare of mine, and it grew stronger every time our eyes met. And I... I love you so much, more and more every day, even though I don't think it is possible to love someone that much.

You asked whether I want a potion or a glass of firewhiskey, and I chose the latter. Your movements were abrupt - nervous I guess. Was it your physical condition, or the sound of sincerity in your apology, but something held me captive with you there, in the dark classroom. You gave me a strong drink without hesitating, and it was then that I realized you weren't seeing me as your student. We were together in this war, and I wasn't the little Gryffindor princess anymore. I remember your face when you said it to me that night, I remember being trapped in your piercing gaze. I felt happy, I felt closer to you, I believed that was the approval I longed for. Injured or not, you were fascinating in your darkness, and I instantly knew I would not leave you until I learn all about it.

Just how I know it right now.

I open my mouth, trying to breathe. Instant - taste of dirt on my lips. What a strange thought - maybe, someone was dying here, in this same spot, right before me? "_British soils contain wide variety of minerals_"... and worms. Those worms live at places of death, like cemeteries or dungeons of the Malfoy manor. They are white, shiny with their greyish slime, little fat bastards. I remember reading about them in our texbook, as they are an important ingredient to many potions. "_Cadaveric fly lays its larvae directly onto the cold body during the primary stages of bodily corruption_..." So they live only on corpses, and I am still alive. Alive, you hear me?

You hear me, Severus?!

I'm alive while I'm still breathing. No, while _you_ are still breathing. There is no me without you.

My, Severus, do you hear the rubbish that is flowing through my mind? It's a nightmare! But it will end soon, I promise. I believe, I'll soon be with you. Dead or alive. One way or the other. But for now I shall keep my eyes shut and watch the sweetest dream left in me...

Was it nerves, fear or exhaustion, but we both emptied our glasses in one gulp. I could feel the hot fluid flow through my veins, warming me from the inside. My vision was a bit blurred from tears, and it took me a moment to notice the bleeding laceration on your shoulder. Despite your protestation, I made you take the robes off. You were tired, and the firewhiskey softened your usually spiteful words. Remember my eyes widen in surprise, when I saw you in a simple white shirt? I have never seen you in anything but black before that... I was both surprised and frightened, as I clearly saw the blood stains growing fast on the white cloth. You refused to take the shirt off, but strong alcohol always made me too determined for my own good. You were too tired, too exhausted to fight me; and I cherish myself with thoughts that you actually had some trust in me back then. Plus, though I feared to chuckles for your life, I was dying to see you without that bloody shirt.

You led the way, and I helped you walk to your chambers and lay down. I didn't have much time to look around then, but I remember being surprised with simple minimalism of your bedroom. I knew what I was doing, you've taught me well in my years. Of course you had to comment on my every move, since it just wouldn't be you if you didn't. I found the stack of potions, and mixed pain-killers with Sleeping Draught. Now I know for certain, you didn't just see my manipulations, you smelled them. You knew that combination would put you to sleep almost immediately, and still let me do it. You drank obediently while I held the goblet in my hands. I cleaned the wound on your shoulder and put bandages on it: I was relieved see it was probably nothing more than a ricocheting curse. I know I was a little clumsy, but I was glad to be able to help you.

I longed to see you sleep. I wondered whether you are different in your peace. I waited until your breathing became calm and the eyelashes stopped trembling; then I knew you were deep asleep. I could look at you without hiding: pale white skin, thin scars across your chest, muscular arms - to some unexplainable happiness of mine. Dark Mark on your right hand, but - obviously - no crossed lemon drops on your left. Strange stirrings and mixed feelings were moving me, as well as stress and that glass of firewhiskey. I kissed your temple, lightly, slowly inhaling the scent of sagebrush and honey from your hair... I wanted to remember it. Forever.

Are you here, Severus? Severus, I can feel that smell! I can feel it, love, I'm breathing it. Tart, bitter sagebrush and astringent honey - sweetness. I know you are with me in here. I know you can feel me in here. I am not afraid, not anymore, not with you by me. I'm calm, Severus. Soon I will be with you.

Blushing from both my shock and my own impertinence, I ran back to Gryffindor tower. Somehow I was lucky enough not to run into anyone, because I swear, I would've blurted "I kissed Severus Snape" to whoever crossed my path. I don't remember how I fell asleep that night, but I swear you were in my dreams. And in the morning a grey school owl brought me a beautiful red rose. It reminded me the blood stains on your shirt... Only two words in the note: "_Thank you_." Everyone around was staring at me, and I couldn't bring myself to look at you. And you? Were you looking? Severus, I swear, at that moment I was already yours, and all my thoughts were only about you...

I'm freezing. I can't feel my legs, either numb or broken. It's good, because then I can't feel the pain. Though my biggest torture right now is not being able to touch you, Severus. But I can feel you, here, with me, sagebrush and honey. And blood - metal on my lips. But you are here... please, don't go.

What a mess was I after that morning! I would constantly spoil the potions in class, so I could get a detention with you. That became a habit quite fast. And you were patient about this behavior of mine. Why were you? I like to think that you too needed me; that you enjoyed our short conversations and my occasional help when you returned wounded from Him. When we get out of this nightmare, I should remember to ask you. You always said you are the ice to my fire. But we both knew, something was stirring between us, and the sparks of it could either keep forever warm or burn us alive.

I am burning alive. In all this agony, I still can't believe I went this far. I left my friends, my family, I left Hogwarts, I betrayed all my beliefs and principles... all for this hope of one last moment with you. This thought makes me tremble, and a bitter tear runs down my temple, and immediately gets tangled in my hair. No, Severus, I'm not dying. I'm burning alive so we can have a chance at our always. Our eternity. Our forever.

Even if you never forgive me for this, I'll know this was my only choice.

Do you remember the first time you kissed me? Who lost it first, Severus? You were avoiding me back then, although we both knew it was coming. In the middle of our Potions hour with Slytherins, I went into the storage room to get Lethe River water. The room was tiny, lighted by a nearly finished candle-end. It so happened, you followed me in, reached for the Vellian Essence, and I ended up stuck with my back pressed against the wooden shelves. Later you told me, that I looked at you with the same challenge as in that first detention, but trust me, I could barely stand - my knees, my body shaking from your closeness.

I remember every second of it in bright flashes. You brought your face close to mine, brushing the tip of your nose against my cheek. Your right hand was hugging my waste, while your left palm caressed the nape of my neck. You asked me a question, but all I could hear was my heart pounding, ready to burst out of my chest.

That was first in thousands of our perfect kisses. Your lips, your scent, your hands - I felt as if whatever was going on in the storage room was more magnificent then all of Hogwarts magic combined. When I opened my eyes, I saw your eyelashes tremble, and that was a beautiful, sincere and fragile feeling you were sharing with me.

I was caught in your sight, like a fish is caught in a net. No, like a butterfly in a spider's web. But I fell on it myself, I have probably created it myself. We are in it together, entangled ourselves in this swirl... A spider and a butterfly - what a strange metaphor my burning mind gave us. But I believe we still have a web to spin. _Our _web. And silly butterfly will never be free.

I need you to be the spider, Severus, to take me with you, I want to lose myself in you. Severus, I never want to be free from you. I am losing my mind here, complete rubbish substitutes my thoughts; and all I know is that I don't want freedom that doesn't have you.

I inhale slowly and hold my breath. I need to find the power to turn on my back.

Inhale. Pain.

Turn. Slow.

Agony.

Fever.

Neverending.

I exhale sharply, and I can't inhale again. Tears are stuck in my throat, though I thought, there couldn't be any more tears. I hold my breath, and I feel my head spinning. I count to thirty: one, two, ten, twenty-seven… and I try to inhale again. Thousands of sharp blades cut through my skin. My eyes fly open, and I see, I can see it all! Grey walls, bloody red stains, mold, yellow flashes, I think elves are pounding their heads on aluminum cauldrons in my head.

Stop, STOP!

My heart is pounding, blood rushing through my veins, and tears are pouring down my face. They run down my temples, down into my hair, tickling me.

I feel. I feel!

Tickles.

Severus, can you hear me? It tickles!

I'll live, Severus. I'll live, for both of us, just a little longer.

As I'm lying on my back on the earthy floor of this cell, I remember. I think of that time I was lying under you in your bed, going crazy in our rhythm, my legs hugging your waist tight, my nails deep in your shoulders. Then you suddenly stopped, and I almost cried in desperation. You asked me whether I trust you. All I could do was nod, and you summoned my wand, put the tip to my throat. It happened fast, all I heard was a sharp whisper through your teeth.

"_Crucio_."

It was unexpected, but I was not afraid. Oh, Severus, you cannot imagine, what I felt at that moment. Pain from your hands is my sweet torture, and the feeling, the emotion you put in this spell was not hate, the opposite of it. I had no idea you could do that. You couldn't bring yourself to speak, but you were showing me what you felt about us through the unforgivable prism. _Because what we were engaging ourselves in was unforgivable, and yet more powerful than any curse_. Those feelings overwhelmed me, and I came instantly, and I know you followed me into sweet orgasm.

Later I realized, my wand now holds your _Crucio_. Just like I felt you on my lips after that kiss in the storage room, I felt you every time I touched my wand.

"The wand of Hermione Granger - 10 3/4 inch, wine wood, with Severus Snape's heartstring core" - that is how I called it to myself. I liked to think of it like that, I liked to feel you with tips of my fingers.

I like knowing I belong to you. I am yours. Even Malfoy knows that. Now, as I lay in His dungeons, exhausted, soaking in my own blood, the sweet arousal from only one thought of you - it warms me from within, hotter than the strongest firewhiskey.

I remember the first time you said it. The most important words. We were in the middle of an argument, I was angry at you for leaving me to wait for you for hours by the smoldering fireplace, praying for you to be alive. I know, Severus, I know I was being unfair. But I couldn't stop, I was hysterical, I couldn't bring myself to speak, not scream, my voice hoarse from all the tears. I cried, I wanted to leave, pleaded for you to quit it all, prayed you'd make me stay.

And you did. You held me by the shoulders and shook me, just like a doll. My palms were pressed against your chest, and I could feel your heartbeat. But I couldn't bring myself to look up at you. You hugged me, holding me close, pressing a kiss on my head. I cried silently, listening to your heart, unable to stop myself. Terrifying thoughts rushed through my mind then: what if one day you won't return to me, what if I never hear your heart beat again, what if I never lose myself in your embrace ever? What if I lose you?

You brought my chin up, kissing my tears away. You pressed your forehead to mine, your eyes closed, your hands holding me tight against your chest.

You spoke in a quiet voice, "Hermione. Please don't cry."

But I couldn't. I brought my hands up, hugging you around your neck, my fingers brushing through your hair, my shoulders shaking in silence. You were asking too much of me, you were asking me to be ready to lose you. But how could I? Your palms were caressing my back, our foreheads still pressed together.

"Hermione," you spoke so low, your voice sounded as if someone was strangling you, and I could barely hear it. But I heard your broken: "Please."

My eyes flew wide open as I looked at you, forgetting to breathe. You were looking deep into me, and I couldn't cry anymore. I saw it, I saw myself in you. I saw no borders between us, no limits, I did not know where I ended and you began in me. We never said we love each other, but I knew that broken voice was more then it sounded like. I never expected to hear it from you, but seeing it in your eyes was more then I could ever ask for.

"_I love you, Severus,_"I whispered on your lips, as you kissed me tender. You never said it back, but I felt it in you, in us. We were in each other's blood, in our veins. I braided in the beating of your pulse, like you did in mine. Under the skin, straight to the heart. This can't be explained with just words. What we have is more than love, more than anything, any magic or force known. We are idyll, Severus. We are one.

After that everything changed. We felt each other perfectly, mirroring every move, every emotion. Though most of the time we couldn't even stand next to each other, I still felt you with every square inch of my skin. Close, near, deep, inside. Strong, stronger with every moment, our love flowing through us. We were still secretive about us, but I don't know how anyone could not see this glow.

One would think that it would be too hard. I heard people talking about your harsh temper, and I couldn't help but smile. I knew you well by then, I knew you were different. You would take Dostoyevsky over Hugo on any day. You preferred cracking of a fireplace to any music. You took your tea with no milk, but two sugars. You were possessive, but never aggressive. And, contrary to all the gossip in girls' dormitories, you were perfectly tender in bed. Though you do enjoy pulling my hair down to make my chin rise up to your kiss – and that gesture makes me feel more yours then anything in the whole world.

When you took my hand in the silence of your chambers, I feared to lose that connection, clinging to it like I cling to my own life. Sometimes, when we sat on the couch or on the carpet by the fireplace, I feared, that it was me who was clinging to you. I feared that you didn't care to look further then the book you were reading. Then I would relax my finger slightly, as if letting you go, and immediately I would feel this sweet, much needed feeling - you squeezed my palm tight in your hand.

You wouldn't let me go.

Sometimes you would look at me, arching your brow just a little, smiling, like you smiled only for me, only behind closed doors. I was so happy to kiss that smile. You were gentle, even affectionate with me, like you were never to anyone else, you were loving, and caring, and protective. You would chastise me when I told you things about Harry's plans and ideas, and you never lied to me about where you went or what you were doing for Him. Together we spent evenings reading or talking, or sitting in silence, listening to each other's breathing, your thumb lightly caressing my cheek. Everyone always automatically assumed me in the library every time I went to see you. How naïve an people be…

I miss you, Severus. I need you. I love you. Do you feel it? Do you hear me?

I know you hear me. I know you feel my pain, like I feel yours. I am sorry, Severus. I am very sorry, but there was no other way. I had no other choice. I pray you will forgive my vagrancy, because I would do this again if I had to.

When Harry entered the common room few days ago, I felt it, I knew - something was terribly wrong. He said we've lost you, that you were captured by aurors during one of Dark Lord's riots. He believed you were held in Azkaban. And yet Dumbledore was powerless. Azkaban was the only thing still directly controlled by Fudge, the man who went mad after finding his wife and grandchildren murdered in their own house last week. You told me, it was Bella's work…

I didn't let Harry finish. I ran to Dumbledore, I couldn't believe he would give up on you. I suspected he knew about us, he always knows everything. He told me, that in trying to save you I will only destroy myself. While I stood before him, stunned by his words, he quietly added, that he can help me get inside Azkaban, because you would prefer to die from the hand of a friend, rather than a foe.

Can you believe it? Was I the only one, who knew, how much you wanted to live?! Dumbledore betrayed you Severus. He betrayed _us_.

Now, can you tell I had a choice? I had none. Only one person was left who could help me, and it's his spells that are torturing me for the last days. You often told me, Malfoy is your friend, and so it seems. He also wants you free, Severus, I am just the means of getting there. Though I'll pay the high price for us, Severus, I fear this may not be enough for Him. But it's everything I have. No one will give Him more.

I hear footsteps in the hall. I wish I could turn my head to see, but every muscle hurts inside me. Pain slashes through me again, but there are no more tears left in my body. Someone opens the door, and the pinch of light hurts my eyes. I hear a few spells, spoken in quiet whisper, but I can't figure out which ones. Does it matter? They can't hurt me more than they already have…

Someone's cold fingers raise my head, shoving a potion down my throat. Poison? No, a painkiller. What a surprise.

Finally, my eyes adjust to the light, and I can see my visitor. His face is hidden under a silver mask, but I remember the patterns like my own palms. Lucius Malfoy. Why him?

"_It's time_," he hisses quietly.

"_Good_," my voice is only a dry hiss.

"_I hope you know what you're doing_."

Malfoy puts a _Levicorpus_ on me, and together we go through the corridors of the dungeon, up, into the dark halls of the manor. I am grateful to him for everything. I was not mistaken to put our trust in him. My heartbeat is very weak, my hands are ice cold, and I can't feel my legs. I am grateful to him for charming my body. Severus, I am grateful to my torturer, do you hear that? But I am not able to stand on my own, as my legs are probably broken. It doesn't matter, as I am certain I won't live to see the sun rise tomorrow.

We enter the reading room, very comfortable, but very cold. I don't see anyone around me, but I shall not look up. But I can feel the glares with my skin: hateful - Bella's, bloodthirsty - Fenrir's, and, of course, an appraising glance from Lord Voldemort himself. Involuntarily, I try to bring my blades together, but sharp pain doesn't allow me to do that. Malfoy is still standing with his back turned to me.

All is ready. All is done.

It's time.

"_You worked well with her, Lucius_."

"_My Lord_," Malfoy nods slightly. Strangely, I don't feel disgusted. I don't feel anything.

"_Look at me, mudblood_," Voldemort speaks in his quiet voice, and I bring my eyes up only to meet His glare. "_I know why you came to me. You are selling your life for my spy. You know that he is mine, don't you? You are willing to betray Dumbledore and Harry Potter for me. But your life is of no use to me…_"

Something broke inside me as I listened to his words. My hope was leaving me. I have nothing but my life, I have nothing more to give Him.

"_I need something else from you, mudblood. Come._"

But what else is there to take?

Lucius brings me close to the Lord, and then removes the spell. My legs are numb, and I have to crawl on my hands to get closer to him. I hear Bella laughing, but Voldemort hissed at her. As I come close to his feet, I meet his angry red gaze again.

He can take anything he wants. Anything in exchange for your life, Severus. Dark Lord reaches for my wrist, his fingers cold as ice. He pushes me up with one harsh move, twisting my hand. I can hear Bella scream "_No!_", and understanding finally comes to me.

"_I want your loyalty_," Voldemort hissed right into my ear.

He speaks a complicated formula, but I can barely hear it; the waves of insufferable pain go through me as his wand stays pressed to my wrist. I scream, but I don't cry. I'm losing consciousness.

I am losing my mind.

Severus, where are you? Here?

In my every heartbeat:

Severus.

Severus.

Severus.

_Severus..._

* * *

We are all here, in Malfoy's living room, the Inner Circle of Death Eaters. The closest to Him. We stay still, his loyal servants, only waiting for his orders. A handful of people standing around the room listening to the wood cracking in the fireplace. Today, after a long fight and many dead, we finally took over Azkaban. Dumbledore himself gave me the idea. I looked for you, Severus, and I found you.

…You were not surprised when a masked person in Death Eater robes escorted you out of Fudges prison. We knew long before, one day the Dark Lord would take over that place. You looked even more pale, then usual, but your sight was harsh and impenetrable. I wanted to kiss you right there... but I felt a wall of cold and estrangement erect between us.

As we walked the corridors of this prison, I couldn't help but cry silently under the mask. I was happy to see you alive, hold your hand in mine. I knew you could not know it was me who came for you. My body was hidden under the robes, hands covered in leather gloves, hair and face under the silver of the mask. But could you feel it was me? Can you hear my heart beat?

I wonder if it were the Order of Phoenix who came for you, would you be more relaxed? Maybe, even relieved? I know the answer is no, but still, I wish your shoulders weren't this tense. To bad it wasn't them who came for you. But they didn't want to take down Fudge… Dumbledore wanted you dead, as he said it, to relieve your soul for your own good. Old man thinks of death as of anther adventure. But when I was dying in Malfoy's dungeons, there saw no adventure in it, I saw no relief in it. There was pain, and agony, and misery, and desperation to see you one last time. But there was no relief. I couldn't let you go through that. You see, this was truly the only way I could have it.

This is it, Severus. It's over. I'm with you, and this war is over for me.

As we finally exited the dark prison, and I prepared to apparate with you to the Manor, I saw aurors fighting our troops at the other exit. I know somewhere far Harry and Dumbledore are mapping the plans to save the wizarding world. But it's all over for me now. You are here. You are my world.

As we entered the Dark Hall, we saw our Lord already expecting us. We bowed to him, and he asked in amusement, whether you wish to see the face of your savior.

Oh, how I feared this moment. This is why he let me live, to see me crushed. He likes seeing that in his servants. He is looking forward to revealing my new identity to Dumbledore, to Harry, to everyone… this sickening game of His. But today he wants to see me lose you.

I feared your reaction, your piercing gaze. Will you hate me? You, the one who served the light for so long, you put your trust in me, and I let you down. I, too, betrayed you. But, Severus, aren't our feelings the most important thing? We are stronger when we are together. You taught me that... Right?

Lord Voldemort ordered me to take off my mask and look you in the eyes.

I can't dare to disobey him.

I can't disobey _our_ _Lord_.

I take off the silver mask, my hair flowing down from under it. I look at you, your eyes as impenetrable as before. Did you know? Did you just shut your heart to me? I expected a gasp, an outburst, a gesture, anything… but not this plain silence. We stand without moving until we hear Voldemort apparate away with a loud crack.

I look up at you. With a loud bang my mask slips on the floor through my fingers. I can see myself in your eyes – a Death Eater, a terrible creature I've become. The most awful, disgusting thing there is. My own betrayal, I see it clearly through your eyes now. What have I done?!

I'm sorry Severus.

I'm so sorry.

I did not have any other choice.

I sink down on my knees, crying silently. No emotion should be shown in the Malfoy Manor, but I can't hold it inside anymore. I love you, Severus. I know I've hurt you too much, I understand it. I destroyed that innocent girl you loved in me. After I felt the despair of losing you, after I fought for you - I will never be her again. And now, that I've seen you alive, that I held you in my arms, I can die in peace.

I wish you'd find the power to forgive me… and if you don't, I promise to never bother you again.

…We are all here, in Malfoy's living room, the Inner Circle of Death Eaters. The closest to Him. We stay still, his loyal servants, only waiting for his orders. However not tonight, as tonight we are celebrating. He has his Potions Master back, He has Azkaban prison, He has dementors on His side now.

Bella doesn't look my way, her gaze purposefully turned to the window. Fenrir is by the wooden cabinet, pouring firewhiskey for everyone. Lucius nervously plays with his ruby ring, Narcissa impartial and cold by his side. There are others standing around the room, their faces hidden in the shadows from the fire. I couldn't care less to see them.

We stand by the fireplace in each other's embrace, my back against your chest. Your deep breath tickles my ear, your hands press me hard against you, my palms resting on yours. I can feel how every curve of my body fits yours, how I was probably created to always fit you. I know your face is impartial, but your touch is soft, your body is relaxed against mine. I know, even if I slightly move my shoulder, you'll immediately mirror my move. We are idyll, Severus. We are one.

I gave away everything I had, Severus, to the last drop of my being, and you still accepted me. Without a word you sank on your knees next to me in the Dark Hall downstairs, wiping my tears away with your thumb. You held my palms in yours, your forehead pressed against mine, and I heard you whisper softly, "_Hermione, what have you done?_"

I know this is not what you wanted for me, Severus, I do. You hold me close now, but after we leave the Manor tonight I know I'll be pleading you on my knees to forgive me for what I've done. I have hurt you deep, and you need time to heal. Still, I pray our love will guide you back to me, even after this. I pray you'll have the strength to forgive me, because I don't know what to do otherwise. My eyes are filling with tears, as I feel you planting a soft kiss on the top of my head.

We'll get through this. I know we will. We are stronger together, and now we are on the same side. On _our_ side.

Voldemort might think he has my loyalty, but he could never take it. My loyalty is forever yours, Severus.

_I am forever yours._

One day the war will be over. I pray, you will still be with me, holding me tight like you do now. Our love will guide us through it all safe. We will spin our web together. We will grow old, read all the books, talk all the talks… we will raise our children… and grandchildren… and we will never look back at this day.

**-FIN-**

* * *

A/N:

Dear Readers,

Thank you very much for reading my story. I took me one long night and a lot of tears and coffee to finish it. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. I will really appreciate any comments or reviews.

Thank you for your time!

Love,

S~


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